To a beat.
I have slept in car parks, within roaring distance to the ocean, on floors and sofas and beds, in converted garages and dance studios and a sunroom overlooking mountains and ocean, where I’ve watched every phase of the moon.
I have had reflections of my insanity and sexuality and alternate realities come unflinching into my space at bus stops, park benches, cafes and beaches, daring me to be brave and see them.
I have come to the conclusion that I cannot stay in this body any longer and also that I could not bear to leave it, in the same moment of linear time.
I have tasted pumpkin cheesecake for the first time, and I am in love.
I have seen my reflection in countless shop windows and not recognised myself, yet seen myself clearly in the eyes of another.
I have held and been held by beautiful brothers that listen to my soul and tend my heart, their embrace wrapping around my heart like liquid silk long after they have gone.
I have held and been held by beautiful sisters, feeling our shells crumble to chalk dust and fall away as we surrender to the tender caress of deep listening and real love.
I have been caught red handed, fractured and naked in the apocalypse of myself when wellness has betrayed me and the solid ground has fled from beneath my feet.
I have looked into the eyes of a stranger and seen myself in the depths of them, bringing me to silent tears as I forgive myself for mine own humanity.
I have called in the spirit of my ancestors and allowed them to move through my body in dance and felt their fierceness surge through my veins driving me to create a better world than the one that enrages me now.
I have cut my binds with those same ancestors so I am no longer carrying the guilt of their misgivings or the weight of their biddings upon my back.
I have eaten raw chocolate cake laden with rose petals playing so exquisitely upon my tongue I was almost explosively sad I had no one to share it with.
I have held circles and rituals and summoned spirits from land and culture and created myths from the dreams of others and allowed my voice and myself to be heard deeply and clearly, without laughing myself away from authenticity…
For a change.
I have allowed myself to say I love you and mean it, without condition or shame.
I have been transfixed night after night by coloured brush strokes laid thick across the sky as a pregnant sun sinks heavy as liquid gold into the horizon.
I have been tumbled and caressed and cleansed by a limitless ocean cajoling me to be free, and daring me to relax in my fears amongst its dancing shadows.
I have spent nights drenched in sweat as the spirits of the land play against the shadows of my mind and my pounding heart to send me anywhere but here.
I have been infused with the haunting vision of layers upon layers of folded velvet earth rising up to frame the churning of the tides.
I have eaten pumpkin cheesecake for the 7th time in a month.
I have found the core essence of me, which will one day be an elder, then an ancestor then a timeless limitless creator, once again.
I have uncovered that my most important goal in life is to become an ancestor that is free, so that I may guide the living from a place of unconditional love.
I have spoken of worlds and spirits and realities with kin who traverse time and space with the same holographic road map as I.
I have spent hours and days trying to organise and get things done only to have the flow of life wash all of my plans away as if they were merely etched in sand.
I have felt the land say I love you too.
I have realised that my womb is not wasted though I have not birthed another, as I am a mother of this land, we all are, and if we are to survive we must tend to her as our own child, as she has nurtured each of us.
I have forced my voice to move through tears as truth has found its way to my mouth.
I have seen people lying on the beach to work on their tans first thing in the morning, next to people lying on the beach because it is their only home.
I have listened to Hare Krishna chants every time I’ve eaten pumpkin cheesecake, aside from the time I had it to go.
I have found a common dialogue, forgiveness and ultimately peace, with the local spirits of this land.
I have sat on this beach many times but this one is different as it will be the last time I see you for a while and at that I’m a little sad.
I have found a way to be home.
Wherever I am
Whoever I am
I have found a way to be home
Written by Tjoni Johansen
Copyright 2016 all rights reserved
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